How to stay married according to a divorce lawyer

If you want to know why marriages break apart, and what it looks like when they do, talk to a divorce lawyer. Better yet, read a book(If You’re in My Office, It’s Already Too Late)by a divorce lawyer about why people divorce or read the interview of the author.

I like this interview and would like to share some points that I like most:

-It seems that divorces happen to be due to big reasons like infidelity or financial improprieties. But these big reasons have their origins in a succession of smaller choices that people make that take them further and further away from each other. There are lots of little things that happen and then the flood comes, then the big things happen.

-The advice to people who are thinking about getting married is “take it seriously” . If I said to the average person, “What car do you want? If you could have any car in the world, what car do you want?” Most people would say, “I want a Lamborghini. I want a Ferrari.” But if I said to them, “Well, this car that you choose is going to be the only car you can have for the rest of your life,” you have to change the analysis, right? You’d have to take something that fits every part of your life. You’d have to pick something that was kind of fun and sexy enough to see you through your 20s but practical enough to handle when you have kids. I think it’s the same when choosing a spouse.

-Ask yourself the question: “What is the problem to which marriage is the solution for me?”

-Too many people just fall into marriage because they think that’s what people do at a certain age, rather than seriously asking themselves if it’s a good idea for them. So you ask yourself the question, “What is it I want to do? What is the problem I’m trying to solve?” Is it family pressure? Is it cultural pressure? Is there something that is lacking in the relationship that I think would be solidified by being married? We have nothing to lose by pausing and considering these questions.

-People fall into routines. You meet somebody, you’re dating them, you both just throw your best stuff at each other, you try all kinds of different things, and if you’re a conscientious person who’s a good lover, you learn what things your partner likes and you keep doing them. Eventually, that becomes a routine, which becomes more solidified over time. And then anytime you try to break out of it, it can be kind of weird and unexpected.

-I think you fall in love really fast, then fall out of love slowly. And if you want to keep your love alive, you have to be attentive to all the little things that go wrong along the way, and constantly course-correct. If you can do that, you’ll never set foot in my office.

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